Not Suitable for Mealtimes

The Vivekananda Yoga university is located about 20 miles away from Bangalore, nestled in a quiet forest outside the city. I'm not sure how many students go here, it seems like a couple few thousand. They have programs for patients to heal from various ailments. It's a fantastic place for Indians. Indian lifestyle has become more sedentary than ever, kind of like ours, but without ubiquitous yoga classes (yep you read that right - very few Indians when asked will say they do yoga), gyms seem off-putting or an unnecessary expense; running on the sidewalks runs the risk of falling through a missing slat into the water/sewage gutter below and obviously the streets are too dangerous for jogging. Add to this the influx of western influences of processed foods ("Double Refined!" the sugar packets boast), quick and easy snacks and dinners, the super sugary sweet - and, ok I admit, delicious - chai ... you get the point. It adds up to issues like diabetes and obesity, and all the stuff that comes along with a sedentary lifestyle and improper diet. Hence, the yoga university... There are different sections or tracks for treatment : obesity, diabetes, neck and back pain, addiction, heart risk, etc. I was assigned to PPH, Promotion of Positive Health. Yes please! But the thing is, after seeing people in wheelchairs, people limping, people who brought caretakers, and one smiling woman who apparently tried to jump off a building last week - I realized, I'm ok, and I don't need to be here like everyone else does. I'm just here to check it out and to learn something, not because I need this care. My first day here, I didn't like it. My second day here, I tried to leave. The schedule starts with meditation at 530am and is packed till 830pm, with chanting, eye exercises, a variety of guided nap times (not what they call it), checking in with your Ayurvedic doctor, meal times, lectures, nature time, and "special techniques" which is their version of asana. On day one of special techniques, they rounded us up into a courtyard and showed us how to do the neti pot. A fair few Indians didn't know how to do it, to my surprise. We followed that with drinking copious amounts of saltwater and then rubbing our tongues to induce the regurgitation of said salt water. What a way to start the day, group vomiting! I was excused from this because of my neck issue, but I think it was also because it was an American neck issue. I won't complain about that. Then we drank more saltwater and walked around on our tip toes with our arms overhead. We were then advised to go to our rooms and "take rest" AKA go crap your brains out about six times before breakfast. Not quite the asana practice I signed up for, but it's "authentic" and "Indian". You know you're in India when you sit down for pranayama (breathing exercise) and the person behind you starts doing Kapalabati (breath of fire) and somehow simultaneously belching. Loudly. Someone across the room is farting. Also loudly. The hall was being cleaned as we were told to "focus deeply on the breath"; Our nostrils were tickled with a hybrid scent of heavy chemical cleaners and a nail salon. Aummmm.... During sessions, cell phones go off. People will leave the room to take the call. My yoga instructor actually left the class to take a call, twice. There's this one noise I hear about twenty times per day (not just while at the yoga center), I'm calling it a "prawk". It's the moment before someone hawks a loogie, that throaty fairly disgusting pre-hawk (hence "prawk") which happens anytime by anyone - yoga, mealtime, bedtime, you name it. After group emesis I guess anything is fair play. And guess what? I'm starting to really like it here. I found a decent sized roach in my bathroom and I am disappointed in myself that I was totally grossed out by it. My friend told me she saw a cobra across the way from her room last year, so I really can't complain. I now know which water filter is safe and which one has a hornets nest in it. There are monkeys here, always a plus! The guy who faked the Indian accent knows how to get things, very important contraband things, like chocolate bars!! I've loved the guided nap times and eye exercises. And I've made friends with lots of folks! Indians are curious and kind and welcoming and warm, pretty much everywhere you go, and so I'm starting to feel more at ease, more settled, more at home in this temporary home. Of course, tomorrow I leave :)